Here comes the rain again
Monday, August 9th, 2010Today I feel a little as if I have woken from a dream where things were fine. Nothing has changed, it’s just that things are not fine any more. It’s very sudden; maybe this all will pass like a cloudy mood.
Maybe tomorrow I will feel normal, as if I belong in the world again, rather than just being a me-shaped hole where something else is supposed to be.
Waking up like this, it’s as if the scales have dropped from my eyes. It’s overwhelmingly evident that I am a failure as a human being. Rotten wife, inattentive mother. All those new things I’ve been doing? I can’t do them. I don’t know why I thought I could.
I know these things are not true. I can’t understand why my mind shows me otherwise. I know one thing, but feel instinctively that the opposite is true. It’s frightening, and it makes no sense; I feel as if I’m losing my grip on reality a little.
I’m trying to get through today by making a list. I’m sure that if I can get through the things on my list I won’t feel so completely crappy and worthless. My list is:
- do the washing up
- clean Martha’s lunch off the floor
- take the things out of the dryer and put them away
- go to the shop, go for a walk, whatever. But buy milk.
- make a list of things to do tomorrow.
I know from past experience that when I feel like this, I have to make these lists, and do the items on them in order. If I don’t, I don’t do any of them, and then things are worse.
Hopefully, today is just one of those crappy days that everyone has once in a while.
We’ll see.
