Living for Disco

G and I are getting married in less than six months. We’ve already told everyone the date, numerous times, and asked them to keep it aside, but now we wish to send out the invitations. They’re all done, and look marvellous and spiffy, thanks to my friend Maurice, who sorted the design and printing for us and made us very happy.

What is not making us happy, however, is the Royal Mail. We thought that it might be nice to order fancy stamps to go on the envelopes, just to make them look pretty - not that anyone is going to notice the stamps, but it’s the little touches, no? So, just over two weeks ago, we ordered a large number of bird and insect (birds and bees - geddit?) stamps from the Royal Mail website.

Now, I may be naive (charmingly, so I’m sure), but shouldn’t the Royal Mail at least be able to deliver their own product in a swift and efficient fashion? I don’t really understand the delay. If Amazon can get an iPod sent to me within 3 working days, then why can’t the Royal Mail simply whip a few stamps off the warehouse shelf, shove them in an envelope, and, oh, I don’t know, post them?

The only thing I can think of is that they are so dedicated to providing us with special stamps that they have commissioned a photographer to go out and photograph 80 different birds and insects, and they are glueing those photographs onto pre-gummed, stamp shaped bits of paper as we speak.

I have been forced to come to the conclusion that the Royal Mail are rubbish - that someone else is responsible for successfully delivering all the mail, and selflessly are letting the Royal Mail take credit.

Whoever you are, please, please can you deliver my stamps? Or all my friends are going to forget and no-one will be at my wedding except for the bridesmaids, and possibly the best man, and the groom, if they haven’t been peppered with shot, run over by a go-kart, or suffocated by a lap dancer at the stag do.