Would you like a lawsuit with that?
I tend to think that human beings are, on the whole, kind, thoughtful and endowed with a certain level of common sense – enough so that they can function on a day to day level at least. I realise that this is probably naive, and any trip to the supermarket (in ANY country), will disabuse normal people of these fancies pretty sharply. However, I would just get too depressed if I allowed myself to open my eyes and face the truth.
Sometimes, though, I am forced to.
Take my local supermarket. I nip in there most days to buy my lunch. Lunch usually involves fruit, and for some reason whenever I go in there some guy is always mopping up by the fruit and veg stand. He is always shadowed by a fool whose only task appears to be to dry the floor by fanning it.
The first stupid thing is that he is fanning it with one of those bright yellow plastic “Attention! Wet Floor!” signs. Why? Why not just leave the yellow sign on the floor so that people can note it and say to themselves “Ooh, the floor is wet! I should be careful not to slip”.
The second stupid thing is that he does this with an enthusiasm that is almost theatrical. You can almost hear the director in his head shouting “Feel the length of your arm! You can fan wider if you just feel it”. This means that whenever I am in the supermarket, trying to select a pear or an avocado, I have to do it like Indiana Jones – ducking under the violent arm swings of a man wielding a heavy plastic sign.
Today, he was just using a piece of cardboard. He still managed to whack me a good one on the side of the face though. No apology, no “Oh my god, how stupid I am to be accidentally hitting the customers with soggy cardboard. I certainly look stupid with this gormless expression, but really, I had no idea. I will mend my ways. Would you like me to get the manager so you can bully him into giving you the fruit for free?”
He just carried on trying to start a hurricane in the pacific and staring into space with his mouth slightly open. Next time I’m going to try and get him to break my nose with his plastic sign, so that I can sue and live in clover for ever and ever. Those yanks are onto to something, truly.
July 25th, 2007 at 3:44 pm
Get the right lawyer and you could own the place.
July 25th, 2007 at 7:21 pm
Try working in a supermarket – you havn’t seen ANYTHING yet!
July 25th, 2007 at 11:37 pm
Are you sure he uses a sign that says “Attention! Wet Floor!” on it? My suspicion is that if the sign was still for long enough for you to read it, you would find that it in fact says “Attention! Maniac with large yellow plastic sign!” in which case you wouldn’t have a leg to stand on in a court of law, as the supermarket would claim you had been adequately warned. So just check before you implement your strategy.
July 26th, 2007 at 1:04 am
Ahhh…sweet litigiousness! Indeed, it is the code of the majority of Americans.
July 26th, 2007 at 6:36 am
As your appointed counsel, I would suggest an out-of-court settlement.
July 27th, 2007 at 5:24 am
The guy at the veg stand has to be better than standing behind a family of five that lets each child pay separately to teach them the value of money.
While its important for them to learn, doesn’t it really stink to be the person behind them?
I could really use a Namibia flag, can you pop over for a visit??
Thank you kindly,
Debbie
July 27th, 2007 at 9:38 am
Joe, that’s actually put me off. Own pick’n'pay? Naaa.
Kermit, I don’t want to know. I’ve been to the supermarket you work at. It’s full of even stupider people than the national average.
Iota – I checked. It defo says ‘wet floor’.
LCG – I’m staking my future fortune on it!
FtJ – how much do you think I’d get for being whacked with a piece of soggy cardboard?
Debbie – welcome! Love to. Where do you live?
July 27th, 2007 at 9:39 am
Debbie, by the way, those kids, and the parents, would have been mincemeat. That’s just antisocial.
July 30th, 2007 at 1:33 am
Rachie – it’s really about the damages for emotional suffering. Have you had trouble sleeping following the incident? (Hint: yes)
August 16th, 2007 at 12:27 pm
Are you sure he isn’t playing a game of Charades and simpLy trying to act out “fan club”? (Sorry.)