A question of… part II
Right, continuing with the questions… Today I will be answering Uncle Did, who asked “Is your life and work like what you expected when you were still in London, if you expected anything. And are you thrilled to bits or disapointed, or both ?“, and Ann, who said “My big question for you is: Do you “believe†in the work (ie development) that you have been doing for the past couple of years? And can you see yourself staying in this line of work?”
To answer the first question – no. Not in the slightest. In London I had hazy ideas of a healthful and serene existence, in which I would float about in a gauzy haze, probably doing yoga under the plam tree in my yard on a daily basis while children ran about shrieking with mirth, and neighbours popped round for a cup of rooibos. I would rarely feel the desire to buy things, as I would realise that I did not need them, in an airy-fairy Buddhist ‘free yourself from desire’ sort of way. Workwise I think my expectations were even more hazy, but naturally I was going to change the world.
Instead, I live next door to an aging couple, whose idea of socialising involves rapping on my burglar bars and handing me the phone bill. The only thing that runs about in the yard is an overly priapic dog with sinus problems and the mental age of a retarded puppy. I am rarely healthful and serene, although I am getting better at this. Instead I spend far too much time drinking wine with my friends, gossiping and cackling like a fishwife, and I have accumulated several pairs of high heels.
Workwise, I have failed to change the world. I think I have failed at this rather dramatically, which should be considered an achievement in itself. I didn’t expect to have to charge one of my colleagues with sexual harassment, certainly, or to find that trying to fundraise in this environment would be so enormously challenging and frustrating. Mind you, nor did I expect to find myself on such interesting work assignments as this and this. So weirdly, I am both thrilled at the diversity and weirdness of the experience that I’ve had, and the fact that I’ve found out so much about myself, and disappointed that I didn’t achieve as much as I would have wanted.
As to whether or not I believe in development work, that’s a tough question. I think the answer is yes, I do. Despite the fact that in some ways I have become very disillusioned with the whole idea of international development as it stands, I also think that it’s changing in really positive ways. From my own experience, I think that it’s easy for organisations and funders in the North to have an idealised view of how development should work, and it’s often difficult to see why sometimes things are so difficult on the ground. My opinion, more and more, is that you can’t simply go into a community, ask them what they need and then try and give it to them. It has to come from inside, to be done by the people it’s going to benefit, otherwise it’s never, ever going to work. Much grassroots development work, particularly in terms of funding, is so tied up in bureaucratic red tape and administrative nit-picking that sometimes the project changes out of all recognition, simply because the donors require it to be a certain way. This simply does not work. At the same time, perfectly viable projects find it hard to get funding because they don’t have certain components, or look the way people think they should look. I could go on, but I don’t want to send you all to sleep.
I could see myself staying in this line of work – I enjoy fundraising generally, and I’m still really passionate about some aspects of international development. My problem is that I don’t want to go back to London, and London is where the international development jobs are. So, I may have to do something else. I don’t really know what, but I like the sense of freedom that not being restricted to a place or a career gives me. I can do whatever the hell I want, wherever the hell I want to do it.
That strikes me as a pretty good place to be.
May 24th, 2007 at 5:45 pm
Love it. Just blogged this and gave you a mention on my guest post at Budget Travel Online.
May 24th, 2007 at 8:36 pm
Thank you so much for your answers to my questions!
I am glad that you somewhat believe in development work and can still see yourself doing it after your VSO stint…I have this great hope that I, too, will enjoy/appreciate my lifestyle and work in Thailand with VSO (although I am trying to stay away from overblown idealism – infact, I said fuck it, and have packed heels and little black dresses because I know myself well enough to realize that I am a clothes whore and no amount of temple visits and yoga classes will change this!)
Anyway – are you on myspace? Perhaps that’s more of a U.S. thing? If so, my profile url is http://www.myspace.com/slawburg
Looking forward to hearing about your next steps!
Ann
May 25th, 2007 at 10:26 am
Thank you for the answer.
I suppose that when reality strikes bak, a good sense of humor is a very useful weapon.
May 25th, 2007 at 9:51 pm
Come to Australia. Much better than London
x
May 26th, 2007 at 6:46 pm
this is a post that sheds its light on expectations and how reality is often different. A great read and what an experience of a lifetime both up and down.
May 28th, 2007 at 5:16 am
Rachie -
All too easy, and hence too commonplace, to succumb to cynicism, isn’t it? Unsurprised, then, to see you choose yet again the road less travelled. It’s an honour and a pleasure to know you, even tangentially.
May 28th, 2007 at 9:11 am
Ourman – thank you!
Ann – you will have an amazing time. I love Thailand, and Chiang Mai is a wonderful place. I’m very, very jealous. Good idea to pack the lbd and the shoes – you won’t regret it. I am on myspace, although not much. Can’t even remember my password. Anyway, facebook seems to be the new thing!
Uncle Did – I’d be lost without it, although occasionally it’s been a bit strained.
Ellie – you’re just biased.
Miriam – hello! Glad you enjoyed it – it’s definitely been a rollercoaster.
FTJ – the feeling is most definitely mutual.
May 28th, 2007 at 5:30 pm
I found out about your blog, through Steve, our man in granada. I really enjoy your writing and as a newbie myself to blogging, I like your style of writing. I am not blessed with the gift of verbally communicating my thoughts like you, but hopefully by reading your blog, I can learn and grow. Your article answered questions that I am having about what my experience in Nicaragua might be like…I know it won’t be all flowers and sunshine, but who knows…thank you for volunteering and for sacrificing yourself for the goodness of others.
May 28th, 2007 at 7:13 pm
Hey thanks for answering my question. I’ve been gone for about a week and was excited to see an answer when I got back. I’ll be checking in to check up on your final months and what your future decisions are.
May 28th, 2007 at 7:45 pm
Hi Rachie – always daunting and very exciting when faced with an open road and not many signposts around. I was going to ask you a probing question on how you felt about the premature axing of Serenity by Fox….
But you probably wouldn’t know anything about that right?
PS very jealous too! Love Chang Mai also…
May 29th, 2007 at 9:15 am
The work you do hardly constitutes what I interpret as failure. I do not use the word failure in my universe. Neither should you. Instead I get different results to what I aimed at. Each of which (if there were multiple attemps to get it right) is a lesson on how not to do it. Thanks Mr Edison!
I do hold you and your coleagues in exceptional high esteem because you do what zillions of other earthbound humanoids cannot be arsed to do. This includes me and in this alone you deserve your special spot in Nirvana
So I want to hear less of the ‘failure’ crap. You are a success beyond my wildest aspirations of my way of helping mankind. Can’t change the world so you think you failed.???!! Oh puleeez, I bet you have had more successes of worth than different results of negligible value.
Hear endeth the rant!
May 29th, 2007 at 12:20 pm
Sam – hello! I’m glad you’re enjoying it. The thing with doing this kind of thing is I think that it’s just a very rounded experience. To some extent I didn’t expect the lows so much, but they’ve actually been worth it. And I didn’t really sacrifice myself – I’ve probably got more out of this than anyone else. Good luck in Nicaragua!
Kathleen – no problem!
Penfold – on the contrary. I think it was a damn fool decision by Fox, and they should bring it back. Except that now Wash is dead in the film, it wouldn’t be the same.
Robert – thank you for the incredibly supportive rant! I don’t really feel like a failure, but I do wish I’d managed to do more. But I will stop with the failure crap. Promise!
June 1st, 2007 at 6:59 pm
You can only do as much as you can do well.
March 26th, 2009 at 1:08 am
This advice is really going to help, thanks.
December 14th, 2009 at 3:59 pm
I don’t mind triceps having their own day, you could also build in some shoulder work at the same time. You need to allow more time for rest, rather than just Sunday, your muscles grow during recovery. Also, doing fewer than 8 reps with heavier weights is pretty great for mass-building.