Mosquitoes – they suck
It’s been a bit wet recently, which means that the mosquitoes are out in full force. I’ve become an expert in feeling mosquito breath on my limbs, particularly after a camping trip a couple of weeks ago, when I woke up in the morning and squashed seventeen of the bastards inside my tent. It looked like the Mosquito Chainsaw Massacre in there.
It’s a bit unfortunate that this should happen now, because I have run out of DOOM, which always puts itself in the ‘forgettable items’ category whenever I am in the supermarket. This means that instead of being able languidly to exterminate crawly bitey things with a squirt of killer aerosol from the comfort of the sofa, I am forced to leap up and chase them around the house with a rolled up copy of Heat. I might add that this is all that the South African version of Heat is good for. It is, as they say in Afrikaans, vol kak.
It’s particularly bad at night. I used to keep a can of DOOM by the bed, in case of midnight mosquito raids, but now I am DOOMless and desperate. Which is why, the other night after a girly evening involving a lot of rose wine and a chicken curry, I found myself standing in the pitch dark in my knickers, holding a bottle of Mr Muscle orange action bathroom cleaner* in one hand, and Little Dorrit in the other, waiting for the whining sound of incoming bloodsuckers to begin again.
Clearly the wine had made me believe that I had batlike powers of hearing and prey-seeking in the dark. It also fucked with my internal clock – I later realized I’d been standing there for about twenty minutes, wrathfully thwacking the wall with Dickens, and squirting Mr Muscle into thin air like a whisky-sodden trigger-happy cowboy. It was all over the floor when I got up and put my bare feet on the tiles – that stuff gets sticky if you don’t wipe it up.
Life without DOOM – it’s miserable. Miserable I tell you. I have to remember to buy some more.
*works a treat on ants but, apparently, not mosquitoes, flies or cockroaches.
March 22nd, 2007 at 3:02 pm
I strongly recommend getting one of those battery powered mosquito squatters. In addition to being easier to hit them with as they are shaped like a tennis-racquet, they have the distinct advantage of making a very satisfy frying noise when you kill one of the little bastards.
March 22nd, 2007 at 3:21 pm
In Italy, the mozzie spray is called ‘ OFF!’ but I think ‘DOOM’ is by far a superior-named product! I recommended drinking tonic, with gin if you prefer.. as the quinine in the tonic acts as a repellent. Tis True…
March 22nd, 2007 at 3:42 pm
So far so good on the mozzie front after two days in Nicaragua.
Bite count..one one my knee, one on my ankle and two on my back. Considering that I am not using a mozzie net, or repellent – that’s not bad.
Then again they tell me that this being the end of the dry season there are very few around – wait for the rainy season, they tell me.
Funny I haven’t even seen one yet – just got the bites.
But there is breeze here unlike Hanoi…the mozzies must be blowing away. How beautiful.
March 22nd, 2007 at 4:38 pm
The thought of you in your knickers “squirting Mr Muscle into thin air like a whisky-sodden trigger-happy cowboy” just made me spray some of my morning tea out onto my keyboard.
March 22nd, 2007 at 8:42 pm
Rachie,
I totally agree with Susy on the tonic front – my dad lives in Zimbabwe and hasn’t been bitten in forty-odd years. But he does believe in daily G&Ts – more G than T of course, but at three or four times a day it does the trick.
As you are near to South Africa you will no doubt have heard the Van de Merwe joke about the mozzie? Let me know if not and I will regale!
Keep up the stories – they keep me going during my stupid days in Kiev.
S
March 23rd, 2007 at 6:25 am
Mosquitos don’t like human sweat, so do something about it!
March 23rd, 2007 at 9:44 am
Kingston Girl, I’ve always wanted one of those. I saw one in a china shop the other day, and almost bought it. Maybe I’ll reconsider…
Suzy, a very good suggestion. I don’t know why I don’t drink G&Ts more often, really. Seeing as they’re good for your health and all.
Our Man – glad you made it to Nicaragua – looking forward to reading the tales!
LCG – I hope you haven’t damaged your keyboard. Mine still hasn’t recovered from the water-out-of-nose haddock incident.
SarahEmily, I haven’t heard that joke – do tell!
Jennifer – they seem to like my sweat just fine. Which is annoying, as there’s plenty of it these days.
March 24th, 2007 at 5:49 am
Fresh sweat they may like. You should let it bake a little.
March 27th, 2007 at 1:36 am
I love the thought of your Mr Muscle aftermath.
My dughter is three weeks into a ten-week volunteering programme in Borneo. She reckons when she comes home a bed without a mozzie net will just seem wrong.
March 30th, 2007 at 1:45 pm
Jennifer – what a delightful suggestion. I can’t wait to try it out.
Rob – I don’t have a mozzie net – I hate them. They always seem to drift into my face in the night. Also I have nothing to hang one from.
March 31st, 2007 at 7:36 pm
God I hate them so much but they adore me. Record bite level 47. Guess Tesco don’t deliver where you are. Great blog!