Rachie’s Google Clinic
Today, I am going to address some of the questions that people type into google, which then directs them to my blog. It seems a bit of a shame that people have such specific questions, and yet can find no succinct and helpful answer. I feel for them, and so I am going to try and help them out.
1. I am eating OMO washing powder. Is it good?
Dear Strange Detergent Eating Person,
Are you pregnant? If not, what on earth is wrong with you? If you really want to clean out your insides, go for colonic irrigation. To answer your question, I’m afraid that eating OMO washing powder is almost certainly not good for you, if the destructive effects it has on my clothing are anything to go by. In addition, many washing powders contain bleach, which is not known to agree with the human digestive system. I suggest you cease forthwith.
2. How much snot can a person produce?
Dear Bogey-person,
This is an interesting question, and one I have asked many times myself. Apparently, we produce nasal mucus all the time, and swallow most of it unconsciously, so really there is no need to be disgusted by people who eat their snot (no need, but every reason). Apparently, in cold weather, the cilia that keep the snot moving throatwards stop working, which is why we get bunged up. Also, fascinatingly, did you know that the creation of bogeys is a little like the way in which an oyster creates a pearl? The mucus gathers around bits of dust and debris that find their way into our noses, and then hardens. Bingo – a nose pearl. Which is what I will be calling them from now on.
Unfortunately, I can’t answer your question exactly, but still, that was interesting. Wasn’t it?
3. Why maggots living in boob?
Dear GOD! That is horrendous. What are you doing sitting at your computer? Go to hospital immediately.
4. What happens in a lapdancing club?
Dear Sir,
I have never frequented one of these establishments, but I do know people that have. As far as I am aware, people go in and then are charged five times the going rate for a drink. They are also expected to buy drinks (probably champagne) for scantily clad dancers. If you like, for an extra charge, the dancers will give you a ‘special dance’, which involves giving you a really close look at their g-string, and possibly grinding around about an inch above your lap for a while. You then leave, probably about 500 quid lighter. It’s a bit of a mystery to me really, but I’ve heard people like it.
5. How do I pronounce Namibia?
Dear Idiot,
Na as in banana, mi as in do-re-mi or as in me, bi as in let it be, a as in apple. It’s a simple four syllable word, not fucking rocket science. Why do people have such trouble with it?
6. Why do I put myself through this?
A question often asked by people who are either moving house, shopping on Oxford Street on a Saturday, or having to spend a protracted amount of time with lunatic extended family. Can’t help you I’m afraid – it’s a mystery to me too.
As for the two people who found me by typing “giant men and women size of a finger in cinema†and “whirl of reckless joy and impossible transports of fury and indignationâ€, you are clearly being too specific. And also random. Please try again.
I hope I have been of service!
March 19th, 2007 at 2:48 pm
I love this new section of your blog.
Your answers are a well balanced mix of cold science and warm humanity.
And the questions are much more classy than the usual boring agony thingy in the girl’s magazine.
Brilliant.
March 19th, 2007 at 5:09 pm
Now I know who directs the snotty ones to my site!!
I am so pleased you are still blogging. I am the opposite to you in that I went north to UK while you went South West to the country of my birth.
What I would give to be in Windhoek now.
Keep up the excellent work and the brilliant blogging. I will call on you more often!
Take care
Robert
March 20th, 2007 at 7:53 am
I did not type any of these searches in google – nor directly ask you these questions – but thank god! You have given me the answers to some of my inner most pesky questions! I can see you are truly a child of god…it must be the meditation that gave you this holy wisdom..lol…thanks for the entertainment!!!!
March 20th, 2007 at 8:02 am
Uncle Did – I live to serve. You don’t think I was a little harsh perhaps?
Robert – thank you! I’m going to be having a reddy brek glow for the rest of the day. Hope you’re liking the frozen north tundra…
Ann – no problem! Personally, I found the bit about snot the most interesting. I clearly have some growing up to do.
March 20th, 2007 at 10:32 am
Had to return to find out how to pronounce N-A-M-I-B-I-A. Too used to saying B-E-R-K-S-H-I-R-E, U-K!
Just to let you know that at sunrise this morning, there was snow on the lawn. Which reminds me of what happened to my green bits that I was nurturing at the house in Windhoek.
They were weeds. The lawn had expired long before, so when I found some common weeds growing in the shade of a tree at the front of the garden (made up mostly of well raked patterns in gravel and brown dirt), I nurtured them.
Lo and behold the gardener returned after his sojourn at home in Ovamboland and pulled the lot up. Bugger, bugger, bugger!
March 20th, 2007 at 12:33 pm
people really type that sort of stuff into google?
that sounds like a great game!
March 20th, 2007 at 2:33 pm
Robert – how gutting! After all that effort. By the way, do you find people in the UK have trouble pronouncing Namibia?
Amanda, oh yeah! It is! You wouldn’t believe what people search for.
March 20th, 2007 at 3:53 pm
i’m a bit of a martin (cassette recorder indeed..) but didn’t know how you knew what people asked??
March 20th, 2007 at 4:22 pm
Do people have nothing better to do than type shite into google? I mean, what about volunterering your time to help those more needy than thou etc etc? Anyway – Rachel- you brighten my day with your witticisms. Do tell us more about daily life in Windhoek. I’m in Italy – and I love ready brek too! ( ‘cept you can’t get it for love nor money here!)
March 21st, 2007 at 2:53 pm
Rachie,
I have not found anyone struggling with the name. Only the whereabouts!
As for Ready Brek – UGH!
Pro-Nutro is best!!
March 22nd, 2007 at 1:41 pm
Mel – I know because I have a nifty programme that tells me what people type into search engines that lead them to me. It’s like being a spy.
Susy – well, I type shit into my blog, so I suppose I have some sympathy. I’m glad I brighten your day though – even though I talk shite most of the time.
Robert – bleerch. Pro-nutro is the Devil’s breakfast goop.
March 31st, 2007 at 9:04 pm
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