Ants - not big, not clever
The other day I noticed strange pile of dust behind the toilet. I don’t often never ever clean behind the toilet, simply because it is fiddly, and involves getting down on my hands and knees and putting my head near the toilet bowl. However, I noticed this pile of dust because it is growing, and dust does not usually multiply itself unless it is evil in some fundamental way. It was also covered in ants.
There have been a lot of flying ants making merry in my house recently. They buzz around my bed at night, and drop onto my face in the dark. A while back I heard a revolting story from a friend, who woke up one night to see a spider crawling out of her boyfriend’s nose, so I’ve been sleeping with a mosquito coil burning not quite near enough to my head to set my hair on fire. It seems to have done the trick, but I am fed up with ants, and other kinds of bugs, invading my house. I’m sorry to go on, but really… when will it end?
Last night, I decided to nuke the dust with Doom (The Greatest Invention In The Worldtm), in case it happened to be an ant metropolis. I now realize that this was an unwise decision, but nothing seemed to happen to it at first, so I left it, meaning to return later to sweep it up.
When I came back, armed with a dustpan and brush, the dust had vanished, to be replaced with approximately 100,000,000,000 ants.  I’ve never thought carpets in the bathroom were a good idea, particularly not if they are made entirely out of insects. Most of them were mobile, but some were belly up, waving their little legs at the ceiling, gasping their last gasps. It was vile. So I nuked them all again, swept them all up, and flushed them down the loo.
This morning, however, they were back, I assume to exact their terrible revenge. There were tons of the little fuckers floating in my bath water this morning. They are everywhere. It makes me want to weep.
Anyone? Ants? How do I get rid of them….
November 30th, 2006 at 12:29 pm
My top 3 for murder most foul are:
1) Star Wars - mix a can of poison with a bucket of water, find the entrance, and pour away. Just as Luke took out the Deathstar, your poison will soak out to the farthest reaches of their evil empire. A spray just scratches the surface, but you’ve got to get to the heart. May the force be with you.
2) Russian Secret Service - there’s a product that mixes a lethal cocktail of slow-acting poison and a sweet syrup. You set up bar, send out invites, ants come out in force for a big knees up. They head back home with a few take-outs for the larvae and queen. No sore heads the next morning, in fact nobody wakes up. Cackle wickedly, deny all allegations. Just don’t leave the jar in the fridge as you may spread on toast by mistake.
3) Kellogs - pour hot water on the little buggers and they’ll snap, crackle, and pop. Not as tasty as rice crispies, but revenge does taste sweet. Not a long lasting solution of course, but does get the blood lust up.
Have fun!
November 30th, 2006 at 7:20 pm
This probably won’t work for major infestations, but the least toxic (and functional) way that I know to get rid of ants is baby/talcum powder. They won’t cross it, for some reason, so you sprinkle it all around the entrance areas - i.e. on the windowsill if they are coming in that way. It has to stay fresh, because as it gets damp and old, they don’t mind it anymore. If it’s the whole floor, though… I’d do the major work as the commenter suggested above first.
November 30th, 2006 at 7:21 pm
that was supposed to be “least toxic (and still functional)”…
December 1st, 2006 at 2:02 am
you could try moving house. That worked for me once…
December 1st, 2006 at 11:00 am
I heard they don’t like to climb on sprinklings of salt, although it has always appeared to me that they don’t mind it.
December 1st, 2006 at 2:45 pm
Hi y’all - thank you for the advice.
I will try all of the above, but only if you promise there will be x-wing fighters involved at some stage.
December 4th, 2006 at 1:16 am
I hate ants. They are everywhere here. Bull and green ants outside and these tiny little ones inside that just get EVERYWHERE. And I do mean everywhere. I even saw one inside the screen of my mp3 player yesterday, I was not amused. I’ve found that Mortein sprayed liberally over windowsills and things keeps them at bay. Although the green ants were still attempting to get into my bathroom yesterday! If you do get x-wings, please advise as I’ll try that method next
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