Diamond Dogs
I’m off again; October’s turning into a scarily absent month. I was even away for this blog’s second birthday on 7 October, which I celebrated by myself with a fat cigar and some expensive brandy. In my dreams.
It’s Global Ed time again, where we VSOs gather together for an educational weekend, and a royal piss-up. Last time it was cheetahs, this time it’s diamonds.
So, I’m off down south - to Luderitz, to be exact, where diamonds litter the ground like very expensive confetti, or so I’m told. In some diamond mining areas, like Oranjemund, which is a closed town run by the diamond company, it is actually illegal to scratch the ground with your boots. I heard a story about a man who used to smuggle diamonds out of Oranjemund in the cavity behind his glass eye. Employees have routine x-rays whenever they leave the area, which is better than being fed laxatives and being directed via an inspection latrine on your way out the door. Imagine having a job where you have to search human shit for smuggled gems. You’d want to be paid in diamonds for that kind of suffering - but only once they’d been thoroughly rinsed.
Then we’re going to Kolmanskop, a dead town being slowly being digested by the desert.
I have agreed to organise the catering for the event, which lasts four days, and is being attended by 28 people. Every so often I hit myself over the head with a handy blunt object for being so monumentally stupid. So tomorrow I have to go and buy about 400 bags of lentils and a truckload of booze. I’m taking some cuppa-soup just in case.
So, talk amongst yourselves, and look forward to tales of diamond-related intrigue and mystery on my return. Back Tuesday.
October 18th, 2006 at 4:58 pm
Noodles would be handy too, just to make a change from the lentils. 400 bags?! *images of Blazing Saddles campfire scene*
Have a great time!
October 18th, 2006 at 5:15 pm
With a truckload of booze, what is the purpose of lentils or noodles?
Hope you’ll enjoy the time and return with lots of confetti.
October 19th, 2006 at 7:28 am
My mate was in charge of the cooking at one of those VSO things once. He and another mate got so drunk it took them hours, well they were cooking in a potjke too. It was all ready to be served up when someone kicked the pot over….. bring emergency biltong!!
By the way, apparently you won’t find any birds near the diamond towns either, the guards shoot them because some people were using pigeons or something to carry the diamonds out. I have a great diamond-smuggling story which I will tell you offline!!
October 19th, 2006 at 4:06 pm
Bring back a diamond for me please. I’ve decided that I’d better get my own as it doesn’t look like any men are queuing up to buy ones for me!
October 24th, 2006 at 12:33 pm
All I can say is that if anyone, ever, tries to persuade you to shop and cook for a long weekend for 28 people, punch them hard and run away while they’re recovering. No diamonds either. pah.
April 13th, 2007 at 6:05 pm
I cannot tell you how many x-rays I had. As a kid going to SA to boarding school and playing sport at Springbok or Alexander Bay, than going on holidays with the family - it all added up to the point where two weeks ago I went to see a Consulting Dermatologist to ask what was happening to me.
Lesions had begun to appear on my torso. The first thought I had was that this is a result of the x-rays at Oranjemeund.
Thankfully they are not. Thus proving that the security giys at my place of birth knew what they were doing! We were not allowed radio-controlled model airplanes either in case we flew diamonds over the Orange in S Africa to a a waiting co-conspirator.
No private cars were allowed int the town while I was growing up. All cars had to be garaged at the bridge. Tinned food sent in parcels was x-rayed too. In fact so were water tanks for diving etc. Anything that could hid a stash was sent to the x-ray.
My dad had a few scares. His tobacco pouch had a few tiny stones (yes stones) in it. He was hauled off to a room to explain.
April 13th, 2007 at 6:07 pm
Oh yes I forgot to say, as kids we were given a fiver for every diamond we picked up in the street. It was not an uncommon thing to find a diamond. I kept finding diamonds that were too tiny to be concerned about and not worth handing in. I threw them back into the sand.
And semi-precious stones to us lot were just stones to be thrown at windows!!