Merchant bankers
I went to open a bank account yesterday. I swore never to do this in Namibia because I just knew that the exorbitant bank charges would turn me homicidal, and at some point I would be arrested for standing outside Standard Bank rending my clothes and hurling empty wine bottles at the inch thick security doors. I believe I know why those doors are there, by the way. It’s not to keep robbers out, but to exercise customer control on statement day.
Anyway, I succumbed, mainly because VSO give volunteers on a two year contract a nice little bonus after the first one. It’s around N$5,000, and I’m going to use it to go on holiday with at Christmas. Goddammit, I need a sandy beach littered with hot men and a bar that serves margaritas in a big jug, and nothing’s going to get in my way.
I thought, seeing as it’s only September, and I’m not going on holiday until late December, I could put the nest egg safely in a nice little savings account, and have it earn a little bit of interest out of the reach of my sticky fingers.  This is the conversation I had with the nice man at the bank:
Rachie: Hello! I’d like to open a savings account please!
NMaB: Certainly. What kind of savings account would you like to open?
Rachie: An exciting one that earns me lots of interest! What are the choices?
NMaB:Â Â The E-plus savings account, or the Plus-plus Savings account.
Rachie:Â Â What are the differences?
NMaB:Â Well, the e-plus charges are cheaper, I think.
Rachie:Â What about the interest?
NMaB:Â [Looks momentarily confused] Well, there is no interest earned on money in these accounts.
Rachie:Â Er, excuse me, what?
NMaB: Well, we don’t pay interest. But we do charge you a monthly fee for maintenance of your account. It’s $4.60.
Rachie: A monthly fee? I give you my money, and you charge me for it? You know, in my country* they offer incentives for you to deposit money in a bank.
NMaB: [Smiles, as if I am vastly humorous and indicates his computer]. I have many emails here from other countries, where the bank charges are much more than in Namibia.
I picture hordes of wealthy Internationals storming the Namibian borders waving cheque books and gold ingots in search of bank charges that won’t bankrupt them and force their families into sex slavery, and figure that that’s probably why Home Affairs haven’t issued any new visas since about January. They’re terrified of being overrun.
NMaB : Shall we continue? If you deposit less than N$500 in cash, it is free, but if you deposit more than that, we will charge you 1.5% of the total.
Rachie: Hang on, hang on. You are going to charge me more the more money I give you, even though if I give you more money, you pocket more interest, because, let’s face it, you’re hanging on to all the interest that’s accruing on my money, right? OK, what if I deposit lots of amounts of N$499?
NMaB: [Giving me a look of disdain I know I well deserve]. It’s worked out on a daily basis. Anyway, as I was saying, if you withdraw money at an ATM, we will charge you N$4.30, unless you use another bank’s ATM in which case we will charge you N$11. If you withdraw money inside the bank with a withdrawal slip, that will cost you a million dollars, unless you don’t breathe the air inside the bank in the process, in which case we will give you a N$5 discount….
Of course I made the last bit up. I only imagined that’s what he said because I was too busy fleeing before I did something stupid, like sign a contract that demanded I give him six pints of my blood as a deposit, or something.
So I cycled home with an envelope full of cash, paranoid that marauding robbers would leap out of the hedgerows at me and divest me of my precious holiday fund. I made it though, thankfully, so you can all breathe a sigh of relief.
The money’s safe stowed in my knicker drawer.
*I didn’t, as I should have at this point, get up and hit myself over the head for saying the phrase “Well, in my country…”, but I did do it later, when I got home.
September 21st, 2006 at 9:24 am
Merchant w*nkers springs to mind! Guard your knicker draw with your life!
September 21st, 2006 at 1:18 pm
‘in my country’?? were you wearing some light colonial slacks at the time?? tee hee.. my great aunt lizzie used to roll up five pound notes and hide them in used fruit and veg brown market bags.. my grandad george actually made a tube which he wrapped with foil to look ‘metal’, stuffed it with cash and hid it in the bottom of the gas fire.. ahhh, those old scouse tricks..
September 21st, 2006 at 1:28 pm
It’s madness and intensely annoying, but what I find worse is that it makes it utterly impossible for people in poverty trying their best to get out of it to ever make that journey. I’m currently working with a group of villagers who have formed a co-operative. To operate they need a bank account with cheque book, but to open one the charges would swallow their meagre start-up capital immediately. It’s totally disgraceful. Grr. I presume you went to the bank in the morning by the way? Once the temperature starts rising I am liable to say/do anything to the numptyheads…
September 21st, 2006 at 2:34 pm
Lou, I always do. X
Mel - ha ha, brilliant! I rotate between stuffing it in the knicker drawer, and keeping it in the ceiling. Shhh, though.
Clare - I know! It makes me absolutely furious. I’m earning a relatively good wage by Namibian standards, and I can’t afford to put it in the bloody bank. Our organisation pays a whopping amount of money in bank charges every year - so much so, that we have a whole budget line devoted to it. And that’s just for being able to function. It’s shite.
I went at lunch time, so I was hungry as well as frustrated. Instead of consigning my money to the bank, as was my plan, I went and spent money on a book instead.
September 24th, 2006 at 1:34 pm
And everyone says that the banking charges in my country (New Zealand) are bad! Banks in Namibia actually charge people to put money into their accounts? You’ve inspired me to look into Namibian bank websites - they claim to pay interest but are remarkably coy about how much that might be, and then have a nice bunch of charges. Surely there must be some form of interest paying money holding account somewhere? No Namibian credit union?
November 29th, 2006 at 8:06 am
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