Living for Disco

Notice under Monday’s Health and Beauty classifieds section of the Namibian (I would have posted it sooner, but Blogger decided to play hard to get for 72 hours):

DR ZUMBE. He’s a strong doctor who can treat/solve your problems within a week. –Unfaithful partner, liver problems, diabetes. You want a baby? Get one now! Weak penis. Cell…..

I’m curious – I know there are plenty of people of both sexes out there who badly want to have children. Also there are many reasons that they may not necessarily be able to – lack of fertility in one party or the other, lack of willingness on behalf of the other party, lack of other party, etc, etc. Perhaps he is intending to impregnate all comers himself; perhaps even though he has a weak penis, he has strong sperm, although this combination could present logistical problems. Turkey baster anyone?

Also, how does he plan to bypass the usual nine-month gestation period? It made me wonder whether there has been a spate of baby-kidnappings that would indicate stock-piling in anticipation of the inevitable stampede of impatient, infant-hungry clients, but I can’t see anything in the paper to cause alarm.

I’d also be interested to know quite how he hopes to cure someone of an unfaithful partner within a week. I’m assuming, in all seriousness, that he intends to use some form of witchcraft.

Whatever action he takes, it must be pretty drastic. Unfaithfulness is so de rigeur here that, were I single, I would probably avoid entering into a relationship with a Namibian man, black or white. I know that sounds harsh, and possibly even racist (if you’re going to be picky about it), but in a country where at least one person in five is HIV positive, and young men are generally considered limp, testosterone-deficient pussies if they don’t have at least three girlfriends dotted around the country, I just don’t know if I’d be prepared to take the risk, emotional or physical*.

There are usually three or four of these ads in every day, promising everything from ‘tightening of woman’s parts’ to ‘casting out of tokoloshes’. Thankfully, it’s been a while since I spotted one that claimed to be able to cure AIDS.

Anyway, I’m thinking about giving Dr Zumba a call. I wonder if he would be able to sort out a mysterious spirit that seems to have invaded our office. It appears to subsist solely on a diet of forks and bic biros*. Not only can I not write, I am having to eat my leftover spaghetti with a teaspoon.

*I realise that this is a controversial statement, and I am doubtless unintentionally maligning a large number of decent, honourable people. However, I am a foreigner in a country where I don’t yet, and may never fully understand the cultural implications of alot of my actions, or the actions of other people where they pertain to me. And I’ve seen enough to be very, very wary.

**I did, in fact, find the missing bic biros the other day when I was driving the Condom Estate to a meeting. I pulled down the flappy shady thing (what are they called?), and there they all were, lined up as if for military inspection. Don’t ask me why.